10:07 PM 4/14/2009
I had suspected
that soon I'd give in
to the temptation
his alluring charm
I'm reaching for the phone
10:08 PM 4/14/2009
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8:18 PM 4/14/2009
My heart is never on a deficit
when it comes to you
yet you are so determined
in stuffing
your design upon my face
impugning me
letting me take a mental beating
thrashing even
still I put up with you
concealing the fracture
slowly splintering in my chest
because my sorry is not enough
for you to drop it
and let it go
because you wouldn't understand
how it hurts
to be accused
and then indicted
that I was in fact
the accuser
8:28 PM 4/14/2009
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8:15 PM 4/14/2009
Putting down the phone
I wondered
whether I did
the right thing or not
But then I remembered
that it'd never matter
I would never be right
in your presence
8:16 PM 4/14/2009
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8:11 PM 4/14/2009
I heard a tap
a knocking on my heart-door
I opened
and let you in
and closed it in tight
and now you've supposedly gone
but you haven't at all
the door that was supposed to be left open
was not even half closed
it remained as tight as before
yet you went in and out
without my noticing
whether you have left
or not
8:15 PM 4/14/2009
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8:09 PM 4/14/2009
And in reality
we are bringing ourselves down
with our little dispute
one by one
waging war with the other
never wanting to lose
while in fact getting closer
to defeat itself
8:11 PM 4/14/2009
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8:00 PM 4/14/2009
It was just yesterday
the feelings still engraved on my mind
on my slowly shattering heart
your hand on mine
your embrace
I can still feel it
I can still feel you
Raising my hand in front of my face
and what I see is a reflection of yours
our fingers intertwined
You feel so close
in fact so far
distanced
as if on two different islands
separated by an ocean
of volcanic emission
and the lava rocks never cool
I long to reach you
but can't
we ourselves make that impossible
with all the little fights
we get into
but never get out of
only buried
laid to rest
and then awakens
a more ferocious beast than before
I am tired
Aren't you?
8:09 PM 4/14/2009
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7:54 PM 4/14/2009
Cornered and confused,
accused and at fault
But I'm not
Really I'm not
But it's no use, is it?
You wouldn't listen to me anyways
You would always win
like you intended, like you wanted, like you planned
it in your mind
And I'd retreat to my corner,
like a terrified animal
whose tail is between
its hind legs
whimpering,
burying deep my feelings
only to have it resurface
in some other day
or event
or the next time we meet again
8:00 PM 4/14/2009
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1:57 AM 3/15/2009
Please move on please
Please just stay away
It's not that I don't want you
or us
But I'm too scared
of being loved
and hurt by the one I love
I am ungenerous
always taking never giving
You will never be happy with me
So go
seek your happiness elsewhere
2:05 AM 3/15/2009
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1:45 AM 3/15/2009
You held my hand
You can't do that anymore
You got mad because I didn't call
to tell you where I was
and who I was with
But you can't do that anymore
You just can't
I'm not yours anymore
or the other way around
So there will be no obligations
no rights or privileges
You can't do that anymore
I'm sorry
1:47 AM 3/15/2009
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1:38 AM 3/15/2009
I can't sleep
thinking of tomorrow
Do we really have to meet?
Do I really have to see you?
This is awkward
I am awkward
when I'm around you
That never used to be the case
I know
But things are different now
I just don't know how to put it
Our relationship
I just don't know where we are
I don't know what we are
to each other now
Tomorrow's going to be awkward
I can tell
I don't know what to do anymore
1:45 AM 3/15/2009
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10:50 AM 3/13/2009
We met
Held hands
I cried
He left
10:50 AM 3/13/2009
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8:37 AM 3/13/2009
Thank you GOD for Ratih
for letting her bring smiles into my life
for letting her be honest with me
for letting her be a good listener to all my troubles
for letting her be my best friend
Thank you GOD for Ratih
Help me do the same for her
8:38 AM 3/13/2009
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8:34 AM 3/13/2009
One day I prayed
like no other servant of GOD has prayed
When the others prayed
they asked HIM to give them the best
but I asked for GOD to turn him
into the best
I was vain and I was wrong
So I now reap what I sow
8:36 AM 3/13/2009
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8:33 AM 3/13/2009
You were the first
I hoped for you to be the last
I'm sorry GOD I was vain
I didn't ask YOU right
But now I get it
So come what may
I won't do it again
8:34 AM 3/13/2009
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8:30 AM 3/13/2009
Did you cry when we broke up?
I want to know
Will you cry if there's no me?
Well you reap what you sow
8:32 AM 3/13/2009
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8:28 AM 3/13/2009
Thoughts of you still clutter my mind
I have to clean it up now
Put it in a box and put it away
You must put your cluttered thoughts
of me away too
Lock it up
And throw the key away
8:29 AM 3/13/2009
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8:13 AM 3/13/2009
It felt funny waking up today
finding myself not being his anymore.
He asked to meet this morning.
He has a morning class and so do I.
I said yes, though I don't know why.
I can't imagine what it would feel like,
seeing him in the streets or on campus corridors.
Passing him by in the cafeteria.
Should I smile? Should I wave?
We talked on the phone last night.
I felt awkward.
I didn't know how he felt.
Did he feel awkward too?
I deliberately went to school late today so that maybe it'd be too late to meet.
But there was no phone calls from him.
My heart sunk a little.
And I went to school wondering
what happened.
Today all the songs on the radio
and all the music videos on TV
played love songs,
songs of the broken hearted.
Maybe this is selective listening.
People hear what they want to hear.
And realization hits me in the face again,
again and again and again
that I'm not his anymore
nor is he mine.
But yesterday
after I cried my eyes out
and they were red and swollen and puffy,
my heart lifted a little,
though the world seems no better than it was,
the birds still sing and the sun still shines
and the world doesn't seem so bad.
I felt a little scared
of what may come
now that there's no us anymore.
But the world goes on still
as does my life
and as I'm writing this
he's maybe moving on little by little
or maybe even with giant steps.
I have to move on too.
8:27 AM 3/13/2009
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2:26 AM 3/12/2009
Get mad all you want
Because I care for you
Though it may not be my place
Know that I care for you
But I know you know it too
I care for you
I care for you
We didn't work out, I know
There was never a we, I know
But I care for you
Let me care for you
Especially because I know
that I am better than her
in a thousand different ways
And especially because I know
that deep down you know it too
I care for you, I always do
And I don't care
Whether you care for me too
I care for you
I care for you
And that's enough reason for me
to care for you til eternity
I care for you
I care for you
2:32 AM 3/12/2009
Done while listening to Jason Mraz ft. Colbie Caillat's Lucky. :"(
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9:38 PM 3/3/2009
My head on your shoulder
Your head on top of mine
Stayed like that a long time
I was happy
9:38 PM 3/3/2009
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6:53 AM 3/1/2009
I know I love you
I really do
though it's hard
to reason why
Perhaps we shouldn't
utter a question
'cause love just happens
like it does now
6:54 AM 3/1/2009
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