Fats.

Written on 4/04/2009 03:00:00 PM by Jasper12.01u

I've been crying.
And I still am.

I think this is my lowest point.
I've never felt so ugly in my life.

Every girl must have felt ugly
even just for once in their lifetime.
If you haven't most probably you will later.
Like what I go through now.

I can't even stand to look myself in the mirror.
I am disgusted.
Embarassed.

I'm not the kind that you call beautiful.
I was always just cute.
Never pretty enough.

And cute in guy lingo means that some think you're attractive
while most think you're not.

I just got home from my dermatologist,
for what I imagined was the weekly facial,
but this time it was different.

"Those aren't pimples in your face," the doctor said.
"Those are fats."
"Fats?!" I exclaimed.
"Yes, fats."
"Just do what you have to remove them, doc," I said firmly.
And now I'm thinking whether I would regret the choice
for the rest of my life.

I literally look like a monster;
as if a thousand needles have punctured my face,
leaving them red and bleeding holes,
and I'm afraid they would never close.

I'm ugly enough as it is.
Please stop.

The process was like hell.
And now I look like hell too.
I am so afraid the scars would still remain,
leaving me ugly for the rest of my life.

And I don't think even Hasbi,
or any potential future lovers,
current admirers,
would overlook the ugly me
even if it's just temporary.

I cut aikido class today.
Something that I actually enjoy very much.
All because I was ashamed of this face,
apart from being scared that the scars will open again
from aikido maneuvers and being thrown on the mattress,
leaving me a bleeding and wounded beast.

I am just plain scared.

Posted in Ramblings., Wallowing in self-pity |

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